He Says, She Says - Dating is Dead in LA

[Jacki Schklar]

The Cougar Comedian and Big Vaughn
He Says, She Says -
Estrogen with an Attitude vs a Thinking Man's Neanderthal

"Why doesn’t anyone date anymore? I have not had a date in over 6 months, neither has most of my friends. I was never a relationship diva, but used to find a guy every month or so at least to meet and disqualify. Everyone either just hangs out or moves in together now. No more wining and dining. Hell, the last date I DID have used a coupon for buy one coffee get one free…"

Sincerely,
Dating is Dead in LA

She Says:

Tell me about it Sister...I'm tired of a guy thinking I'm gonna have my hands around my ankles in the unisex restroom after a handful of Goldfish crackers and 3 dirty martinis. Just once, I'd like at least a burrito before I'm outside next to the dumpster getting naked. I'm a big fan of Longhorn Steakhouse because it's an upscale Appleby's. At your friend Longhorn, I can eat peanuts at the bar which will absorb the booze my date is trying to get me to inhale, and order "Surf and Turf." For 3 fleeting hours, I feel like it's 1986 again and I'm not a bitter skank, but have a bright future ahead of me.

I'm conflicted on the Coupon Boy issue though because it's a new world with a heinous economy but then again, a grown ass man whipping out a coupon on a date is kinda gay. It doesn't give me that "drop my panties' feeling. A man who uses coupons is the same kind of douche who will probably monitor your cell phone to make sure you don't go over your minutes.

The New Normal of dating is that men think that they can get away with being Scrooge and still expect to get ass because if they try it enough times, some Nail Technician with 3 kids and tons of credit card debt will cave in and reward the bad douchy behavior. Then she's lowered the bar for women all over. One ho can ruin the whole barrel.

He Says:

It should all make karmic sense if you can get over yourself long enough to acknowledge that as a consequence of your scandalous life spent as a gobslobbering trick, the cycle of gobnobbling ass-mongering has now come full cosmic circle. The endless one-night stands, the constant stream of quim plunging deviants that romped across your well oiled bedsheets, the walk-of-shame notoriety gained from being the fratboy funbag, it was all fun while it lasted...but its over. And now? Now there are consequences.

Those consequences are simple to understand but difficult to accept. You are past your "use by" dating date. You are the Living Dead Date. The Socially Deceased. Be thankful for coffee coupons because its going to be a relationship highlight for you from hereon in.When you get to the point in your life that you are searching for anything to justify the lack of social intercourse in it you are whats known as "Pussona non grata".

It's over sweetcheeks. Get used to it.

[Tomboys in Fishnets]

Can't Mr muscle guy come up with something more original? He's just regurgitating what Tom Leykis regurgitated the entire time he was on air.

[Cougar Comedian]

LOL. Love it. I agree but I've know the Vaughnster for almost 10 years and here's a secret. He's not really a misogynist. He loves women. I do agree that after a certain age, women are like dairy. I'm so post expiration that if you opened me up all you'd get is booze fumes.

[Tomboys in Fishnets]

Yeah. I figured he was going for controversy so I thought I'd help him out with a comment.

[Jacki Schklar]

I knew what you were doing. I explained it to CC, thanks ;)
The Cougar Comedian has a new show, Dr. Dina, Tough Love Done Wrong and we're making the column along those lines next. Should have one in a few days.