Where the FUNNY CHICKS are at.

All Blog Posts (173)

Anything Goes At Red Lobster

After spending time in the hospital recently my sister decided she wanted to go out for a nice meal as soon as she felt up to it. She likes seafood so we chose Red Lobster as our destination for the evening. There were four of us seated at a small table and my sister and I were seated next to one another. We still had a slight case of the giggles from earlier in the day when we had been making fun of her doctor who had a very bad bedside manner. We had placed our drink orders and were perusing… Continue

Added by MA Fat Woman on November 9, 2009 at 1:47am — No Comments

Which Lust Target Are You?

Women spend so much time reading "Cosmo" articles on how to size up men, but our ideas of how men categorize us are usually less understood. Probably because "Cosmo" and such are written by women (or a fairly close semblance) who are unaware of the sort of pigeon-holing women pass when dating actual men. It's often said that guys divide women into madonnas and whores, but it's actually a little more complicated than that. (Not much more complicated: we're talking about men, here.) Guys quickly… Continue

Added by Cammy May Hunnicutt on November 8, 2009 at 7:00pm — No Comments

Vectors and Vermin

I spent the weekend in a hell dimension where fire and rain live simultaneously in freakish harmony and where vectors enjoy eating you and vermin stop by during breakfast to steal your bagel. What horrid place on earth is this you ask? CAMPING!!! Hus and I have always said we are not "camping type people". We prefer to either rent a cottage or small apartment at the ocean for our annual vacation. Set up is minimal when we first arrive and clean up is also not much when we leave. Which leaves th… Continue

Added by Heidi Lipka on November 8, 2009 at 3:43pm — No Comments

Don't Say 'Vagina' at the Dinner Table

Some ridiculous things I have done this past week... 1) Burnt my forehead with my hair straightening iron. Burned it significantly, so people have asked me what the hell I did to my forehead. 2) Burnt my forehead a second time. I look retarded. 3) Noticed that there are heat settings on the iron and turned the heat down, finally. 4) Said "Vagina" at the dinner table. Why did I say vagina? T, my six year old son is in need of speech therapy. He has trouble with a few letters but mostly the… Continue

Added by Heidi Lipka on November 8, 2009 at 3:35pm — 1 Comment

Why We Need The Ledbetter Equal Pay Act

Note: This story is for Suzanne Conti and all the other tough, brave, farsighted women who carry it for the rest of us. So good to know there are those whose dignity and self-respect will never be on the table. Baci Baci. MP I had been driving for hours alone in my 1983 Corolla across the prairie from Red Cloud, Nebraska, headed across Oklahoma to Perryton, Texas, to visit a friend from the 1984 Women's Voices writing retreat. Red Cloud, as you might know, is where Willa Cather was born. (If yo… Continue

Added by Mugsy Peabody on November 5, 2009 at 4:49am — No Comments

The Last Time I Smoked Pot

I had a gig at The Comic Strip in New York the first year I did standup. My friend Melanie came to that show. She and I went to the same university in Paris and after graduation she moved to London. I visited her there but hadn’t seen her in years until she relocated to New York because she got a job working for Martin Scorsese. I can still hear her chastising me for mispronouncing his last name. “It’s ScorSESSY, not ScorSAZY.” Melanie arrived at the club that night with two men in tow. After m… Continue

Added by Suzy Soro on November 4, 2009 at 5:18pm — No Comments

Sculpture: Its an art form

Beauty. In the eye of the beholder? Now, I am going to applaud anyone with talent for art, be it photography, painting, or sculpture. And I further applaud people with this vision who lived 35,000 years ago. While I might see something a bit different than the artist had in mind, I am not one to look down upon creativity. So when exploring deep in a cave in Hohle Fels, Germany, several scientists discovered this ancient relic, I am sure initially, they too wondered exactly what it might be. T… Continue

Added by Jenny Mac on November 3, 2009 at 8:22pm — No Comments

The One with the Obligatory Post- Halloween Post

True to form - my girls did it up. I know this because contrary to all I've griped about this past week ...we hauled in some major booty. And, after the sneaking the best bites for myself careful sorting - ever on patrol for the errant razor blade or open wrapper-I'm hauling around some extra booty in my booty. If anyone has found a Charleston Chew...which they won't 'cuz they don't seem to make them anymore...you can send it right over here. And as for the band of marauding teens who smashed… Continue

Added by Swirl Girl on November 3, 2009 at 4:56pm — No Comments

The Death of Santa Claus

It was Christmas Eve and I got up when I heard noises downstairs in the living room. I don’t recall how old I was; I may have been in my thirties for all I remember. I only have a good memory for ex-boyfriends and the things they do that are just so patently wrong. Seriously, a mesh shirt? Is that a cry for help or something? I was finally going to see Santa Claus. I tiptoed to the top of the landing. My little, or gigantic thirty year-old heart was pounding in my ears. Wouldn’t every one of my… Continue

Added by Suzy Soro on November 1, 2009 at 5:44pm — No Comments

The One In Which She Has To Represent

Originally posted to Swirl Girl Pearls Saturday, December 6, 2008 The One in Which She Has to Represent Each year at some point in my life, I have had to be the one to check the calendars. The token, if you will. The wiser on the subject. The Chosen One. All eyes will look to me to whip out my handy calendar of customs and practices and see what is what and when. Whether it be a school function, a soccer practice, a PTA meeting… Continue

Added by Swirl Girl on October 30, 2009 at 8:31pm — No Comments

It's (Women's) Business Time

It's Business Time. Women's Business Time The questions are coming faster than I can deflect them. I have tried to answer (read: avoid) them in a meaningful way - but I can' t do it anymore without going to that place I have been afraid to go. She is only 9 , I know - but things are different these days. I mean, have you seen the 4th grade lately? They are not little girls anymore. There are belly shirts, and heels and little boobs budding everywhere. I realize that every mom and grammy reading… Continue

Added by Swirl Girl on October 30, 2009 at 8:22pm — No Comments

Defying The Claw...

You may remember this old urban legend from the 1950's, as recounted on the website http://urbanlegends.about.com.... A teenage boy drove his date to a dark and deserted Lovers' Lane for a make-out session. After turning on the radio for mood music, he leaned over and began kissing the girl. A short while later, the music suddenly stopped and an announcer's voice came on, warning in an urgent tone that a convicted murderer had just escaped from the s… Continue

Added by Paula Larew Wooters on October 28, 2009 at 12:00pm — No Comments

I Can Tap That

Recently I discovered a fun-filled Web site that’s all about SEX only funny. It’s called Can I Tap That, and for those of you who don’t have a copy of Urban Dictionary handy, that phrase simply means “Can I have sex with yo ass?” Uh, not literally the ASS part, necessarily, just, you know, to have sex with somebody. It’s street talk, yo! Here are the instructions: Text someone and ask them if you “can tap that.” Submit yo… Continue

Added by Julia DeGraf on October 24, 2009 at 7:31pm — 1 Comment

Pick a Card, Any Card

Tonight I had to run to the store to pick up a birthday card for my niece, Amy. I may be seeing her tomorrow and I didn’t want to come empty handed. Of course it’s last minute, because I haven’t learned to use a calendar yet and things like sending birthday cards on time are the stuff of nightmares for me. So I’m in the card aisle and I spot a couple standing near the birth announcement section, talking to a store employee. Together they’re trying to find the right card for their needs. I admir… Continue

Added by Kathy Frederick on October 24, 2009 at 6:01pm — No Comments

Excuse Me, But That's Not a Table

Every few months, I go to my doctor to get an injection that must be administered at a ventrogluteal site. What’s a ventrogluteal site, you ask? My big ‘ol smiling butt, that’s what. I’ve gotten quite used to getting injections this way. It’s not painful at all, and subjects me to only a mild amount of embarrassment. Pants down. Inject. Band-aid. Pants up. Done. Not the last time I went. This time, I got Nurse Rached who was either in a terrible hurry to get me over with, or never got… Continue

Added by Kathy Frederick on October 24, 2009 at 5:48pm — No Comments

Explain the Dead Thing to Me Again

My father used to say, “Live every day as if it's your last.” So does that mean I’d be picking out a coffin, a headstone, and talking to a mortician? Or that I’d wake up thinking ‘Today is my last day on earth?’ Then the next day I’d get up and say what? “Shit, I just blew yesterday.” I’m not too worried about dying because only fabulous people die. ‘He was always smiling and was such a beautiful person. Everyone loved him.’ Just once I'd like to hear, ‘Well good riddance. Yellow teet… Continue

Added by Suzy Soro on October 20, 2009 at 7:10pm — No Comments

Time for a Nooner

I'm going to get right to the point here; I slept with my husband in the middle of the afternoon yesterday! It's shameful behavior for a 65-year-old woman and a 69-year-old man, I know, but we just couldn't help ourselves. Maybe I need to explain, so you won't be so shocked and appalled. It started out just like any other Thursday. We woke up, showered, and ate breakfast. Are you following me, here? Okay, I went to my office and spent some time on my laptop, and hubby watched a little televisio… Continue

Added by Eva Gallant on October 19, 2009 at 4:09pm — No Comments

Remember When That Happened?

It’s 9:30 AM on a Tuesday. You are, as per your elegant usual, at home and wearing pajamas. You sort of have to pee but you can hold it until you after you drop off an armload of towels outside in the laundry closet on the back patio. Arms full, you use your left foot to shut the sliding glass door closed… Continue

Added by Lisa Page Rosenberg on October 19, 2009 at 3:20pm — No Comments

My Little GPS

Small Bob and I had plans to meet Mary and her son Ivan at the Natural History Museum. We left a little early but still hit some traffic in downtown. After we finally made it off of the 110 onto the 10, the traffic lightened up but we were still running a few minutes late. We exited at La Bre… Continue

Added by Lisa Page Rosenberg on October 19, 2009 at 3:13pm — No Comments