Ann's Rants's Blog (5)

Fresh out of college, I moved from liberal-college-town-USA to downtown Chicago. This was before the sketchy Walgreens on Clark and Division turned into an Anthropologie, and when I lived atop a crackhouse—but I leave that story for another day. As a responsible 22-year-old female, I made an appointment to get my annual pap at my friendly neighborhood Planned Parenthood clinic. Donning my paper wrap-dress (flattering on any figure), a friendly middle-aged appropriately Gloria Steinem-esque doct… Continue

By Ann’s Rants Young women, before offering your Bridesmaidhood, please carefully consider the following: When The drunken Fiancees proposition you at a kegger, wait until you’re sober to respond. If you say yes, you won’t respect yourself in the morning. If you say no, they will woo you until you say yes. Keep your inevitable regret to yourself, or everyone will say you asked for it being so drunk and flattered. When The Bride says the dresses will cost $50 be… Continue

Tired of those stinky mats at the Y? Had enough of Shiva supposedly-in-my-first-trimester Ray? Is Rodney’s spandex-covered Yee a little to Yee Haw first thing in the morning? Before you throw in your yoga blankie, try these… Downward facing jowls: a morning asana Worrier pose: knit brow, tense jaw, shake head, beat chest, spit over shoulder—simultaneously Childish pose: hands on hips, jutted lower-lip, eye-roll Oh-Joy breathing: heavy sighs alternating wit… Continue

I read Eat. Pray. Love. I rather enjoyed it. Elizabeth Gilbert ate her way around Italy, prayed until she saw blue in India, and loved herself a ton in Indonesia. Yes that’s an oversimplification, but that’s all my brain allows these days—feedbites. Feedbite!? I meant soundbite. Or something. Oh Lawd. The other day I quipped “Well its not exactly brain science” (plosive exhale) As much as I fancy the idea of writing a book, a collection of essays, or a MEMWHAH, these bitty… Continue

My MIL likes to forward e-cautionary tips, and all manner of advice for hysteria-loving folk. Below review some safety tips I pray none of us ever need to utilize: Stay the hell away from conversion vans period (serial killers) Don’t sit alone in your car in a dark parking lot balancing your checkbook (or counting huge stacks of cash or appraising diamonds) If someone locks you in a trunk kick out the taillights, poke your arms through the holes, and wave them around madly to attract attentio… Continue