Where the FUNNY CHICKS are at.
Unbridled Apathy
I get no kicks from champagne flutes,and flatware bores me terrifically, too...
Sad, but, true
Practically everything gift ware leaves me totally cold
The only exception I know is when I suddenly turn and see...
Bridezilla.
Most people would flee but, for me, it meant showtime.
More than a decade ago I worked in the bridal registry department of a housewares store.
I think it was then and there that I developed my acting chops.
If there were awards for feigning interest in things like cream soup cups and drip less candles my mantle would be sporting some serious hardware.
My days were spent walking through aisles and aisles of all the pretty little things necessary for a happy marriage.
Or designing the world's most perfect wedding invitation.
Sometimes the quest for having it all became too much...
Boredom.
Thank God for Bridezillas.
Yes, that's right, Thank God for them.
The over the top drama, the hissy fits, the berserker rage, The mother of the bride with a mouth like a trucker.
They grounded me, entertained me and intrigued me.
They kept me from falling asleep...
Royal Doulton Bitch.
That was the codename for one of them.
Yeah, you get a codename and the punishment fits the crime.
RDB would sit criss-cross on the floor, with a magnifying glass in her hand, inspecting the hand painted flowered detail on each piece of her pattern for an hour or two. If a leaf or a petal on a flower didn't pass her inspection she would reject the item and want to re-order.
There was no need explaining the difference between hand painted and machine stenciled,your words would be shaken off by a nodding head and a wave of a hand.
No one wanted to deal with her because of this freak show but there was something, something about the way she scrutinized each piece with the skill of a surgeon that had me at hello.
That and the fact that she had so much time to devote to this task.
Clearly not of this earth.
I wanted to tell the pieces of china that had passed her rigid inspection that they were absolute perfection and works of art.
We never did meet her husband-to-be and wondered if he too received the magnifying glass treatment.
Raging Bull In A China Shop
There are some people who just live for confrontation. They are only truly alive when there is a bone to pick or a head to roll.
Remember that song by Garbage "I'm Only Happy When It Rains?" If not, Google it because it is awesome :)
This gal would stomp in with her entourage of mean girls, looking for a fight, and would spit fire at anyone who dared to utter the words "It's on back order" to her. "Discontinued" would leave you peppered with obscenities and possibly breathing from a tube.
She had horrific taste and fiercely stood by her choices.
She could be easily soothed with freebies. Silver cleaning cloths, pens, chip clips...
Freebies soothe the savage beast - embroider that on a pillow. :)
When anyone would come in to purchase from her registry we would have to stifle our laughter from the rude and unkind comments that they would make.
They could have been informants! :) We wouldn't have put spying on us past her!
She was extremely rude and combative.
I hope she got the wedding that she deserved ;P
The Mother Truckers.
Loved them. The foul-mouthed mothers of the bride.
Would mispronounce Oneida so it would sound like Ore-Ida.
Would scoff at china and boast about their Corelle(which they pronounced like Core-Elly) that they've owned for 20 years.
Would grab a china dinner plate as if they were throwing a discus.
This is my favorite Mother Trucker quote of all time:
"Who needs a fucking gravy boat! Use a measuring cup!"
Exactly.
These were my kinda peeps.
Digression : Once upon a time, I was a girl from NJ who had never heard of a bridal registry because everyone gave you checks at wedding. No-one wanted to schlep a gift to your reception and what the fuck were they supposed to do? Leave it in the car during your ceremony? ( Assuming they were even going to the ceremony) God forbid someone break into the car! And whaddaya want me to do sit in the church with the gift like a chooch?
Even though I totally understood, I wasn't there to sell measuring cups so I'd bribe them with cigarettes or free coffee.
Mostly free coffee.
In my heart of hearts I really wanted to tell every single gal that registered that all of this stuff, all of this glittery, blindingly beautiful shit...did not matter.
For a good many of us,(hand up over here),this stuff was going to end up in a pretty cabinet in a rarely used room.
Cream soup cups and drip less candles would someday be replaced by drip less sippy cups.
And the things that mattered most in our lives were going to eat their Cheerios straight out of the box, drink their milk from the carton and use one of the knives from your "best" flatware to open packages from amazon.com.
But again, I was paid to sell china and not to deliver sermons.
Ahhh...Bridezillas, I couldn't hate on you, because... I got a kick out of you!
Peace - Rene
Sad, but, true
Practically everything gift ware leaves me totally cold
The only exception I know is when I suddenly turn and see...
Bridezilla.
Most people would flee but, for me, it meant showtime.
More than a decade ago I worked in the bridal registry department of a housewares store.
I think it was then and there that I developed my acting chops.
If there were awards for feigning interest in things like cream soup cups and drip less candles my mantle would be sporting some serious hardware.
My days were spent walking through aisles and aisles of all the pretty little things necessary for a happy marriage.
Or designing the world's most perfect wedding invitation.
Sometimes the quest for having it all became too much...
Boredom.
Thank God for Bridezillas.
Yes, that's right, Thank God for them.
The over the top drama, the hissy fits, the berserker rage, The mother of the bride with a mouth like a trucker.
They grounded me, entertained me and intrigued me.
They kept me from falling asleep...
Royal Doulton Bitch.
That was the codename for one of them.
Yeah, you get a codename and the punishment fits the crime.
RDB would sit criss-cross on the floor, with a magnifying glass in her hand, inspecting the hand painted flowered detail on each piece of her pattern for an hour or two. If a leaf or a petal on a flower didn't pass her inspection she would reject the item and want to re-order.
There was no need explaining the difference between hand painted and machine stenciled,your words would be shaken off by a nodding head and a wave of a hand.
No one wanted to deal with her because of this freak show but there was something, something about the way she scrutinized each piece with the skill of a surgeon that had me at hello.
That and the fact that she had so much time to devote to this task.
Clearly not of this earth.
I wanted to tell the pieces of china that had passed her rigid inspection that they were absolute perfection and works of art.
We never did meet her husband-to-be and wondered if he too received the magnifying glass treatment.
Raging Bull In A China Shop
There are some people who just live for confrontation. They are only truly alive when there is a bone to pick or a head to roll.
Remember that song by Garbage "I'm Only Happy When It Rains?" If not, Google it because it is awesome :)
This gal would stomp in with her entourage of mean girls, looking for a fight, and would spit fire at anyone who dared to utter the words "It's on back order" to her. "Discontinued" would leave you peppered with obscenities and possibly breathing from a tube.
She had horrific taste and fiercely stood by her choices.
She could be easily soothed with freebies. Silver cleaning cloths, pens, chip clips...
Freebies soothe the savage beast - embroider that on a pillow. :)
When anyone would come in to purchase from her registry we would have to stifle our laughter from the rude and unkind comments that they would make.
They could have been informants! :) We wouldn't have put spying on us past her!
She was extremely rude and combative.
I hope she got the wedding that she deserved ;P
The Mother Truckers.
Loved them. The foul-mouthed mothers of the bride.
Would mispronounce Oneida so it would sound like Ore-Ida.
Would scoff at china and boast about their Corelle(which they pronounced like Core-Elly) that they've owned for 20 years.
Would grab a china dinner plate as if they were throwing a discus.
This is my favorite Mother Trucker quote of all time:
"Who needs a fucking gravy boat! Use a measuring cup!"
Exactly.
These were my kinda peeps.
Digression : Once upon a time, I was a girl from NJ who had never heard of a bridal registry because everyone gave you checks at wedding. No-one wanted to schlep a gift to your reception and what the fuck were they supposed to do? Leave it in the car during your ceremony? ( Assuming they were even going to the ceremony) God forbid someone break into the car! And whaddaya want me to do sit in the church with the gift like a chooch?
Even though I totally understood, I wasn't there to sell measuring cups so I'd bribe them with cigarettes or free coffee.
Mostly free coffee.
In my heart of hearts I really wanted to tell every single gal that registered that all of this stuff, all of this glittery, blindingly beautiful shit...did not matter.
For a good many of us,(hand up over here),this stuff was going to end up in a pretty cabinet in a rarely used room.
Cream soup cups and drip less candles would someday be replaced by drip less sippy cups.
And the things that mattered most in our lives were going to eat their Cheerios straight out of the box, drink their milk from the carton and use one of the knives from your "best" flatware to open packages from amazon.com.
But again, I was paid to sell china and not to deliver sermons.
Ahhh...Bridezillas, I couldn't hate on you, because... I got a kick out of you!
Peace - Rene
Comment
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Comment by Ann's Rants on June 1, 2009 at 1:25pm -
Awesome and totally unique. "Awesome?" "Totally?"
Anyway, great piece!
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Comment by Not The Rockefellers on April 29, 2009 at 9:37am
- Love Christmas Tree Shop! Hmmm...can you register there? :) Seriously, for a buck a piece you'd end up getting a warehouse of wineglasses. Then you can toss them in the fireplace like they do in the movies. :) Rene-- Thanks for the comment.
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Comment by Blicky Kitty on April 29, 2009 at 9:09am - IMG that is priceless. What an experience. I wish I had had this bit of wisdom before I registered. All my pretty wineglasses broke (cause we're big winos) and I plan to replace them at the Christmas tree shop. They'll be called Royal (Imperial) Lady or something and be made in china for a dollar a pop.
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