Where the FUNNY CHICKS are at.
First Impressions
First impressions...I think I've spent the majority of my life trying to overcome them.
I am just a girl who is constantly trying to redeem herself, because... the first time ever I saw your face I may have:
a) lost my power of speech
b) lost my ability to stand upright or
c) spit on you.
It is no secret to my friends, or should I call them handlers, that I am an utter and complete church mouse at parties. I spend too much time observing and not enough time participating in conversation.
You may forget about me but, I will not forget you or a single thing that you have said.
Unless, of course, I make a lasting impression.
Not surprisingly, my biggest fear is speaking. I don't know what it is about talking to a group of people that scares the crap out of me. I don't mean random talking, like talking to people on line at the store, small talk or even talking to the kids at school. I just get freaked out when I am speaking and I realize that the room is quiet and everyone is listening. For most that is an enviable situation, for me, I want to head for the hills. Just that moment of time when I realize, grown-ups are watching me, listening to me. I get all self conscious and start tweeking out and fidgeting like an idiot.
I become a freakish little train wreck of self awareness.
Next comes the klutz factor. I fall for you. Quite literally. On occasion I miss a step or think there is one more step and plummet earthward. Sheer spazziness. I have done this twice around the same person. The first time I met him I busted ass in his driveway, the heel of my sandal got caught in the little space between the grass and the driveway. I fell down like a toddler, all splayed out.
Not my shiniest moment...but
I am a SUPERSTAR!
The next time we met I broke a casserole dish full of hot cornbread all over his front steps and then cut my hand trying to clean it up. I apologized and bled all over his welcome mat. To this day he is super cautious around me..."Careful..careful!".... "Rene, watch that!"....
I am making a hobby out of convincing him that I really am as graceful as a ballerina
Just not around any sharp objects....
Lastly this is an oldie but goody.
Yule drool over this one...
While I was working at The Kitchen Store the district manager came in for a surprise visit. I had never met him and everyone was buzzing about how hot he was and what an amazing guy and blah, blah, blah...pant, pant, pant....giggedity, giggedity, giggedity...
The store manager took him around to everyone and introduced him. He was not just hot, he was smokin' hot. He came over and shook our hands and asked us a little about ourselves. All was going well until he asked me a question about ideas for Christmas displays.
I opened my mouth, said Christmas, and this twinkling little comet of spit came flying out and landed on the navy lapel of his jacket.
Holy fookin' spit....
I saw it, so he must of seen it. It was this perfect little ball of spit just hanging there, radiating light in every direction. Like the freaking Hope diamond. I swear it was getting bigger. So I'm talking and talking about Christmas displays and watching the loogey on his lapel. I'm trying not to send another spitwad out so I'm being cautious with my "S" sounds, which probably made me sound like a freak.
Not difficult.
In my head the song from A Chorus Line plays but it sounds like this : "God I hope he didn't see it, he didn't see it." The conversation ends and he makes no motion to ring out his jacket so I thought I was in the clear.
Then one of the cashiers who was, what seemed to be 100 feet away, says:
"Jeez, Rene, we all know he's good looking but, did you have to go and drool on him?"
To this day I don't know if he saw it.
Rene lives on the banks of denial...
Maybe he thought it was just glitter, instead of a gift from the Christmas spitter.
Peace - Rene
I am just a girl who is constantly trying to redeem herself, because... the first time ever I saw your face I may have:
a) lost my power of speech
b) lost my ability to stand upright or
c) spit on you.
It is no secret to my friends, or should I call them handlers, that I am an utter and complete church mouse at parties. I spend too much time observing and not enough time participating in conversation.
You may forget about me but, I will not forget you or a single thing that you have said.
Unless, of course, I make a lasting impression.
Not surprisingly, my biggest fear is speaking. I don't know what it is about talking to a group of people that scares the crap out of me. I don't mean random talking, like talking to people on line at the store, small talk or even talking to the kids at school. I just get freaked out when I am speaking and I realize that the room is quiet and everyone is listening. For most that is an enviable situation, for me, I want to head for the hills. Just that moment of time when I realize, grown-ups are watching me, listening to me. I get all self conscious and start tweeking out and fidgeting like an idiot.
I become a freakish little train wreck of self awareness.
Next comes the klutz factor. I fall for you. Quite literally. On occasion I miss a step or think there is one more step and plummet earthward. Sheer spazziness. I have done this twice around the same person. The first time I met him I busted ass in his driveway, the heel of my sandal got caught in the little space between the grass and the driveway. I fell down like a toddler, all splayed out.
Not my shiniest moment...but
I am a SUPERSTAR!
The next time we met I broke a casserole dish full of hot cornbread all over his front steps and then cut my hand trying to clean it up. I apologized and bled all over his welcome mat. To this day he is super cautious around me..."Careful..careful!".... "Rene, watch that!"....
I am making a hobby out of convincing him that I really am as graceful as a ballerina
Just not around any sharp objects....
Lastly this is an oldie but goody.
Yule drool over this one...
While I was working at The Kitchen Store the district manager came in for a surprise visit. I had never met him and everyone was buzzing about how hot he was and what an amazing guy and blah, blah, blah...pant, pant, pant....giggedity, giggedity, giggedity...
The store manager took him around to everyone and introduced him. He was not just hot, he was smokin' hot. He came over and shook our hands and asked us a little about ourselves. All was going well until he asked me a question about ideas for Christmas displays.
I opened my mouth, said Christmas, and this twinkling little comet of spit came flying out and landed on the navy lapel of his jacket.
Holy fookin' spit....
I saw it, so he must of seen it. It was this perfect little ball of spit just hanging there, radiating light in every direction. Like the freaking Hope diamond. I swear it was getting bigger. So I'm talking and talking about Christmas displays and watching the loogey on his lapel. I'm trying not to send another spitwad out so I'm being cautious with my "S" sounds, which probably made me sound like a freak.
Not difficult.
In my head the song from A Chorus Line plays but it sounds like this : "God I hope he didn't see it, he didn't see it." The conversation ends and he makes no motion to ring out his jacket so I thought I was in the clear.
Then one of the cashiers who was, what seemed to be 100 feet away, says:
"Jeez, Rene, we all know he's good looking but, did you have to go and drool on him?"
To this day I don't know if he saw it.
Rene lives on the banks of denial...
Maybe he thought it was just glitter, instead of a gift from the Christmas spitter.
Peace - Rene
Comment
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Comment by Surely Jones on July 16, 2009 at 9:49pm - Sooo funny!! Thank you for writing this! I can so relate! Unfortunately, I am like this with all people, not just boys I might be interested in...my spazziness knows no bounds, it seems (and certainly no gender limits--I guess humiliation is an equal opportunity experience for me). Anyhow, I loved your "Hope Diamond of spit" image...that was awesome!! People don't talk enough about the Hope Diamond, dangit!
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