The Hazard Of Dookie

[Not The Rockefellers]

Evy was my partner in crime. Both of us separately one would consider to be a handful, the two of us together?

Hell in a bucket.

Evy was the embodiment of laughter, salsa, and the Nilla wafer banana pudding recipe from the back of the box. No substitutes.

And gut bombs.

Yes, gut bombs.

Evy had an uncanny knack of developing intestinal distress miles away from the nearest facilities. This would send us into panic mode as we ( she ) were sitting on a ticking time bomb.

If we were in the mall it was no problem, Evy knew were the closest “clean” restrooms were, she’d quickly speed walk clenching the whole way.

But in the car? At night, in the middle of Nowhere, NH? Different story…

“Rene, gut bomb”….
“Oh, you are kidding me Ev…for real?”
Sheepishly “nooo”
“Ev, it’s nothing but woods and it's dark, how bad?”
“Really bad!”
“Like now?”
“I don’t know…shhh.. cramp...stop talking 'bout it”…
I scanned the landscape looking for a gas station, a psychopaths shot gun shack….anything
And then I heard rhythmic breathing….
“Evy are you doing Lamaze breathing?”….
“Shhhh…heeheeheeh whowhowho”…..
“You are fucking kidding me"
“Shhhh Rene”….
“Is it working? Does it work for colons, too? Oh God don’t crap in my car”
“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh drive faster”
One look at her huffing and puffing, the beads of sweat forming on her nose...
"Evy, should I get you some ice chips?”
"Reeeneee Shhhhhhhhhhhh...Faster!!!"
I got laughing so hard that I now had to pee…immediately…
“Evy if we get stopped for speeding…between what I gotta do and what you gotta do that poor cop is going to be in for a world of hurt. Besides that, how do explain this? Officer,we need an escort to the nearest restroom, she's having a gut bomb!"
" We may have to make like bears, Evy”
"No, Rene, I can't do that, just keep driving!"
And with that, I spotted the neon nirvana of a Mobil station
I rolled up to the door….and we bolted out like the Dukes Of Hazzard
But not out of the windows...
Evy and I both quickly duck walked our way into the restrooms…
Then Evy stopped and wondered…
“Rene, do you think they’re clean?”
"It this or the woods, Evy!!"
Fortunately, for Mobil, Evy didn’t wonder too long about that.
Cuz that would have surely been a pant load of trouble.
Crisis averted this time.
Next time?
Depends.
Heh heh heh...Those Dukes.

This was one Evy's favorite stories. She couldn't even tell it without laughing like a hyena.

I have Evy to thank for many funny stories and good times. Sadly, she passed away suddenly and quite unexpectedly in 2004 from a deep vein thrombosis at the age of 40. It was quite a shock and still is today, I still get the impulse to call her.

Evy shined brightly during her brief time here. Now she's gone, and I can't change that, but her stories remain with me forever.

I still can't pass that Mobil station without laughing, sometimes needing to make a pit stop.

Good times...

Peace - Rene