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Upon Your Maiden Bridesmaidhood: Considerations for Young Women
By Ann’s Rants
Young women, before offering your Bridesmaidhood, please carefully consider the following:
When The drunken Fiancees proposition you at a kegger, wait until you’re sober to respond. If you say yes, you won’t respect yourself in the morning. If you say no, they will woo you until you say yes. Keep your inevitable regret to yourself, or everyone will say you asked for it being so drunk and flattered.
When The Bride says the dresses will cost $50 because her Auntie is making them, she speaks figuratively. By dress she means meringue, and by $50 she means $250. Actually, your dress will receive a $25 discount due to two inches of crinoline that peek out from underneath a crooked hemline.
When Auntie suggests slapping a large bow on the butt of each gown to make it figure flattering, breathe deeply and remain calm. When she adds that a bow would make my ass and yours look the same size quickly excuse away your flushed face as wedding attendant excitement. When a sob escapes, don’t disguise it as laughter. Auntie, suffering loud flatulence due to her recent stomach stapling, may misinterpret your outburst and take offense. Her perceived offense just might cause her hand to slip at the sewing machine, resulting in a crooked hemline in your gown.
When The Bride says you can shorten the skirt and wear it again consider where exactly you’ll wear that purple lace and taffeta abhorrence, now necessitating a thigh-length crinoline. Weigh how badly you want to dress up as Kool Aid Man: Grape Flavor, versus how it will feel to bring a $250 mini-meringue to Goodwill.
When The Bride promises, the wedding party will enjoy wine and a carriage ride after the ceremony, figure 95 degrees, 100 percent humidity, mosquitoes, and warm White Zin.
You may have no choice but to remove the matching bridesmaid “jewelry” immediately after the ceremony, due to significant ear swelling. Potentially, you itch so furiously that a bum on the street inquires if you have fleas.
After the honor and privilege of serving as an attendant for the bride and groom, you likely do not remain friends with the couple—despite your service and heartfelt gift of an OXO pizza cutter. In fact, you were never very good friends to begin with. Consider this as you hug, cry, and drunken sway to I-eeyi-eeyi Will Always Lu-uve You-oo after giving them your bridesmaidhood at that fateful kegger.
Brides will come and go in your life, but for that first walk down the aisle holding a ten-foot train and skidding on cheap dyed-to-match soles, save yourself for someone special. Or, at the very least, someone that won’t force you to wear a crinoline.
Young women, before offering your Bridesmaidhood, please carefully consider the following:
When The drunken Fiancees proposition you at a kegger, wait until you’re sober to respond. If you say yes, you won’t respect yourself in the morning. If you say no, they will woo you until you say yes. Keep your inevitable regret to yourself, or everyone will say you asked for it being so drunk and flattered.
When The Bride says the dresses will cost $50 because her Auntie is making them, she speaks figuratively. By dress she means meringue, and by $50 she means $250. Actually, your dress will receive a $25 discount due to two inches of crinoline that peek out from underneath a crooked hemline.
When Auntie suggests slapping a large bow on the butt of each gown to make it figure flattering, breathe deeply and remain calm. When she adds that a bow would make my ass and yours look the same size quickly excuse away your flushed face as wedding attendant excitement. When a sob escapes, don’t disguise it as laughter. Auntie, suffering loud flatulence due to her recent stomach stapling, may misinterpret your outburst and take offense. Her perceived offense just might cause her hand to slip at the sewing machine, resulting in a crooked hemline in your gown.
When The Bride says you can shorten the skirt and wear it again consider where exactly you’ll wear that purple lace and taffeta abhorrence, now necessitating a thigh-length crinoline. Weigh how badly you want to dress up as Kool Aid Man: Grape Flavor, versus how it will feel to bring a $250 mini-meringue to Goodwill.
When The Bride promises, the wedding party will enjoy wine and a carriage ride after the ceremony, figure 95 degrees, 100 percent humidity, mosquitoes, and warm White Zin.
You may have no choice but to remove the matching bridesmaid “jewelry” immediately after the ceremony, due to significant ear swelling. Potentially, you itch so furiously that a bum on the street inquires if you have fleas.
After the honor and privilege of serving as an attendant for the bride and groom, you likely do not remain friends with the couple—despite your service and heartfelt gift of an OXO pizza cutter. In fact, you were never very good friends to begin with. Consider this as you hug, cry, and drunken sway to I-eeyi-eeyi Will Always Lu-uve You-oo after giving them your bridesmaidhood at that fateful kegger.
Brides will come and go in your life, but for that first walk down the aisle holding a ten-foot train and skidding on cheap dyed-to-match soles, save yourself for someone special. Or, at the very least, someone that won’t force you to wear a crinoline.
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